My heart is still heavy...
My heart is still heavy this morning. I am just having a hard time wrapping my mind around what happened. I went from having a relationship with my "dad" with laughter, encouragement, being there for my surgery on Thurs (which meant a lot) and finally feeling comfortable enough to talk to him, to him being cut out of our life without any warning. Just broke off. No explanation as to why it happened. Just that the relationship he had with all of us was not allowed to continue if he wanted to save his marriage. I'm assuming she didn't approve anymore and that was the end of that. So sad. Even if she changes her mind again, my husband said there is no way for our sanity that we could ever resume a relationship with him in fear of being broken again. He is trying to protect me. I think I do need protected. I guess I was naive and never saw this coming again.
This is where I have to dig down deep to find some contentment in this situation, because I am not at all content about it. But, I know that the captain and I can lean on each other to get through this once again. But, it hurts. I have all these memories in my house that remind me of our "dad" A picnic table he gave us, something he made for my birthday (which he will never be able to give me another gift), a tiny cross he made for me to have right before surgery, and gifts he made our son. (who is upset and confused) I will cherish them all, but it just hurts to be reminded of the love he shared with us, knowing he will never be able to express that again this side of heaven. I hurt for him. He won't know my test results if they are positive or negative. He won't be able to have any part of the next phase in my life. :(
I know time heals a lot of wounds and this will take time to heal. My husband isn't as upset as he said he knew this day would come. I had more hope I guess...
I won't write about this situation again. I can't. I have to move forward and it is difficult if I write about it. I have a lot to work on such as being angry that this is happening again and to be content with something I have no control over. It's been a rough few months in this household. We are struck down, but not destroyed.
"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed , but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." 1 Cor 4:8-10
This is where I have to dig down deep to find some contentment in this situation, because I am not at all content about it. But, I know that the captain and I can lean on each other to get through this once again. But, it hurts. I have all these memories in my house that remind me of our "dad" A picnic table he gave us, something he made for my birthday (which he will never be able to give me another gift), a tiny cross he made for me to have right before surgery, and gifts he made our son. (who is upset and confused) I will cherish them all, but it just hurts to be reminded of the love he shared with us, knowing he will never be able to express that again this side of heaven. I hurt for him. He won't know my test results if they are positive or negative. He won't be able to have any part of the next phase in my life. :(
I know time heals a lot of wounds and this will take time to heal. My husband isn't as upset as he said he knew this day would come. I had more hope I guess...
I won't write about this situation again. I can't. I have to move forward and it is difficult if I write about it. I have a lot to work on such as being angry that this is happening again and to be content with something I have no control over. It's been a rough few months in this household. We are struck down, but not destroyed.
"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed , but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." 1 Cor 4:8-10
Hi Steph. I hate to hear that this has happened again. I too, have had difficulty with fatherly relationships. I just cant grasp why you keep letting this get you so down and consume your whole being. I know deeply that it hurts, but you have your own lil family and thats what matters most now in your life...Going through these turmoils shall only make you a stronger woman, wife and mother. Learn from it and come out the other side the BETTER person. I am not meaning to sound harsh or cold..that is far from what I am trying to come across as. I now the pain, believe me. I just hate to see someone hurt and I have been wanting to leave a comment for some time on this situation of yours, but was worried of how I would come across. I would take anything that reminds you of this person and store it somewhere, until you can heal from the pain. You gotta think about it like this..Is this pain from this person worth more than the contentment and fulfillment for my husband and son? No, its not, I know that you would agree. You got to take the steps towards healing your heart...I pray that you can find the strength to take these steps and rid yourself of all things negative. You are going through enough with your health to focus on trying to heal from that much less deal with such negativity with a relationship. I agree with your husband that this is the end of the line. He seems wise enough to know that YOU come first, your happiness, your health, and just for your own sanity like he said...Its not worth it. Well I apologize in advance if I spoke out of line...I dont mean to.
ReplyDeleteJust offering some advice, been there before and this is what worked for me. I pray that you come out of this a stronger person by taking the steps to LET GO.
Trish
Thank you very much for your stern comment. I think I did really need it. I think why I let it get to me so much is that I had such hope in having a relationship with an earthly dad. It's just something that was missing in my life. I understand now that I do need to focus on my little family and to let go of the desire to have a dad who can participate in my life. It's just not going to happen...You did not speak out of line and I appreciate your honesty. My husband is a good man who doesn't want me to decline in my health from such roller coasters. I just need to leave the theme park altogether I suppose. Thank you for the encouragement to let go. It's a process for me that will take time (again)
ReplyDeleteYour Dh is a godly "head of house" when he puts you, his loving wife and family unit first. He knows the stresses involved in all of the turmoil caused by your father's situation is NOT good for you.
ReplyDeleteI can honestly relate and have similar issues in my parents, as well as with my Dh's father. Dh's father( his parents have been divorced for 22 yrs now) remarried a lady after being with a wonderful woman, but due to her health issues he simply couldn't continue the relationship( he was to selfish) This lady he married laid down the rules, she was to be #1 and she was jealous of his relationship with his children and grandchildren, so put the rules down(Much like your Dad's situation). Now, sadly some 16 yrs later, he is thinking he now want to be a part of our lives. Well.... he is a stranger to our children( young adults now) as well as to us. When they do come over, their rare visits are very strained to say the least. I feel very sad that when his grandchildren grow up, have families of their own and tell stories of times spent with grandparents and family that he won't have a place in all of that, truly sad :o(
The situation with my parents is much more complex, as they live here on our property, but this relationship is very strained as well due to my Mom's declining mental health and my Dad's total denial and ritual of blaming everything on us. This has been a 5 yrs issue( since we let them build their home on our property, with the intent of helping my Dad care for my Mom) and finally my Dh has drawn the line and my Dad is now going to have accept reality or be miserable in the situation that he is now 100% in charge of( by his own choosing, he didn't want us involved other than to blame stuff on us :o( ) I was so stressed trying to keep everyone happy that I let my health slide to the point I couldn't function well anymore.
So you are not alone and your Dh, as I know you are aware, is a Godly man who is looking out for his family unit's health and well being.
HUGS my dear, I know it's not easy but you simply have to let it go and move on with where God wants you and your family.For your health as well as your sanity.
Thank you for sharing your story. It helps to know there are others out there that experience something similar. Thank you for the wisdom you shared. You both have given me something to ponder on. And, I am very blessed to have the husband I do. :) We will be married 14 yrs next month. :)
ReplyDeleteI love when our husbands can protect us. We are blessed to have men like this in our lives. I am sorry this is going on with your dad. we have had to break ties before and it is like a death.
ReplyDeletei remind myself that we serve a amazing God who is the restorer of hearts and forgiver of sin
Thanks, Pam. You are right, it is much like a death...I'm glad we serve a God who restores us. Thank you for that reminder. :)
ReplyDelete