Prairie Oak Homestead

Please pray that my husband will be able to return home to me on schedule. Hurricane Sandy was/is in Haiti and it has been raining non-stop.  We haven't been able to have much communication because of that. Also, please continue to pray for me. I have been awake since 2am with excruciating pain. It's horrific pain. I don't know how much more I can take. It's just too much, even for me. :'( Pain meds are barely taking the edge off and I feel like I just can't get a handle on the pain. My ankle is still red, swollen, hot, and painful. RA is no Fun.At.All. I get faint and nauseous from the pain. I just want it to end, dear God. Discouraged... Follow @titus2baker

I am so EXCITED! My doctor just called and after going through the research I took in, she has APPROVED taking LDN (low dose Naltrexone). I get to pick it up today and start it tonight. I am one happy girl right now! Thank you all for your prayers. Really. God has surely blessed me today with this news. :) Praying it is effective! I just want my pain to be less. :) Just wanted to share this great news. *doing the happy dance* Pin It

Yesterday was a very bad day for me. If I had any strength I would have been climbing the walls. The pain I had was so horrible that I couldn't even walk a few steps. My bone marrow edema is hurting badly, but the rest of me was in just the same amount of pain. I also had a migraine (still do) on top of that. I cried on the couch squirming around in pain. The vicodin the doctor prescribed had given me migraines and so I had not taken any pain medicine all day. So I called for something different. My doctor called back and ordered me Tramadol. My husband went to the pharmacy to get it for me and I took one when he got home. An hour later, I had some relief. It had taken the edge off the pain and I was able to deal with it better. I don't like how it makes me feel though. I feel woozy and out of it. Then the Pain Center called out of nowhere. I had already had an appt for the 24 of this month to go talk to them about my pain. They called and said they had an opening for tomorro...

I started having pain yesterday evening in my right hip...I woke up in the night with excruciating pain that made me sick to my tummy. :(  That continued into this morning and I in desperation took 1/2 of a Vicodin.  It took the edge off... My muscles are weak due to the Myasthenia Gravis...My joints are loose because my muscles aren't always strong enough to hold them tight.  So my right hip ended up with bursitis again for the 2nd time in 10 yrs...It's a terrible pain.  Mind you, I am very thankful that it's only the second time for the hip pain in 10 yrs, but I do suffer with pain on a daily basis, but mildly with the other joints and muscles.  I am going to take it easy this afternoon and see if I can't get the inflammation down.  But, too much rest is not good either as my muscles will get weaker and atrophy with too much rest. :( This is just some of the fun that comes with Myasthenia Gravis.  I have been blessed for quite some time to not ha...

I feel like I'm walking around with a burden on my back.  I know I need to lay it down. After telling my mom how I feel, she said that if that's how I feel then bye. I don't even know what to say.  She told me to look in the mirror, but then I'd be shocked at what I saw. It wouldn't hurt as much if she didn't say she was a Christian. Painful times... Frankly, I'm tired of all the hurt in that situation.  I'm ready to be unburdened and soar with the eagles.  I am thankful for love I do have that is shown to me.  I don't take any of it for granted.  I want to be more purposeful in showing love to my family.  I want God to be glorified in my life. I am going to pick myself up and continue on towards the cross.  I hope to love and encourage others along the way and I hope to be loved and encouraged along the way, too.  This walk can be difficult alone.  But, I know I am not alone.  I have a God who will never leave me nor forsake ...

Shining is always costly.  Light comes only at the cost of that which produces it.  An unlit candle does no shining.  Burning must come before shining.  We cannot be of great use to others without cost to ourselves.  Burning suggest suffering.  We shrink from pain. We are apt to feel that we are doing the greatest good in the world when we are strong, able for active duty, and when the heart and hands are full of kindly service. When we are called aside and can only suffer; when we are sick; when we are consumed with pain; when all our activities have been dropped, we feel that we are no longer of use...that we are not doing anything. BUT, if we are patient and submissive, it is almost certain that we are a greater blessing to the world in our time of suffering and pain than we were in the days when we thought we were doing the most of our work.  We are burning now, and shining, because we are burning. "The glory of tomorrow is rooted in the d...

My heart is still heavy this morning.  I am just having a hard time wrapping my mind around what happened.  I went from having a relationship with my "dad" with laughter, encouragement, being there for my surgery on Thurs (which meant a lot) and finally feeling comfortable enough to talk to him, to him being cut out of our life without any warning.  Just broke off.  No explanation as to why it happened.  Just that the relationship he had with all of us was not allowed to continue if he wanted to save his marriage.  I'm assuming she didn't approve anymore and that was the end of that.  So sad.  Even if she changes her mind again , my husband said there is no way for our sanity that we could ever resume a relationship with him in fear of being broken again .  He is trying to protect me.  I think I do need protected.  I guess I was naive and never saw this coming again. This is where I have to dig down deep to find some contentment i...

I went yesterday to have my hysterectomy. I was to have a biopsy first in the OR and check to see if there was any residual cancer or if it spread. They were to look at it right then and if it was positive, they were not going to proceed and send me to Peoria to a gyn/onc, if it was negative, she would go ahead with the LAVH.(Laparoscopiclly assisted vaginal hysterectomy) They did the biopsy and the pathologist decided right then that he didn't want to look at it in the OR and to instead take his time looking at it and have the results by Mon. (hopefully) So, unfortunately I was not able to have surgery yesterday because we didn't have any results. :( I'm not sure when surgery will be now, it depends on the results of the biopsy. Talk about a lesson in contentment.... There were a lot of lessons in patience and contentment yesterday.  I will admit, when I woke up from the biopsy and knew that they had not taken what I went there for, I started to cr...

I haven't been sleeping well.  I just can't seem to rest.  I have so many things on my mind, so many people to pray for, and then there's that song that just won't leave my brain.  All this contributes to lack of sleep and pure exhaustion during the day.  I know it's God's strength that keeps me going.  I wouldn't be able to move one foot in front of the other right now if it weren't for Him. :)  It feels like everything is just a blur.  One week from today I will be having surgery, one that hopefully will change my life for the better.  I'm looking forward to all the benefits in the end. I've been struggling on how to deal with the pre-surgery jitters.  I normally would "displace" myself and just withdraw to another "place."  This is how I coped being sexually abused.  I was never "in" the moment.  When I am in excruciating pain, this is how I handle it.  I don't focus on it, but I "go somewhere else...

"This sickness is not unto death." --John 11:4 From our Lord's words we learn that there is a limit to sickness. Here is an "unto" within which its ultimate end is restrained, and beyond which it cannot go. Lazarus might pass through death, but death was not to be the ultimatum of his sickness. In all sickness, the Lord saith to the waves of pain, "Hitherto shall ye go, but no further." His fixed purpose is not the destruction, but the instruction of His people. Wisdom hangs up the thermometer at the furnace mouth, and regulates the heat. 1. The limit is encouragingly comprehensive. The God of providence has limited the time, manner, intensity, repetition, and effects of all our sicknesses; each throb is decreed, each sleepless hour predestined, each relapse ordained, each depression of spirit foreknown, and each sanctifying result eternally purposed. Nothing great or small escapes the ordaining hand of Him who numbers the hairs of our head. 2. This li...

from blogging the rest of the week. I know this may sound contrary to my last post, but I just need a break to get myself together. I'm in such turmoil right now I can hardly think straight. I have a lot going on in my life that hurts so much. I miss my dad so much it physically pains me. My heart aches from memories that keep coming back of good times that I fear will never be again. I cry, still. I just love him so much. I have no idea why I am having such a hard time of it, but the suffering is overwhelming to me right now. I just miss him so. My mom is just keeping herself busy with drama and hurting others that that is hurting me, too. My health is getting me down. I'm anemic again and I am so utterly exhausted that it saddens me. I just feel too weak to carry anymore suffering, but I know He can help me endure. I just need to refocus, again. I am begging God for His peace to come upon me to help me shed some of this awful ache. I know He will, but it seems l...

I'm done with expressing what's on my heart. I don't want to be a stumbling block. I don't expect everyone to understand why I hurt as much as I do. But, its simple. I had a someone step in the gap and be the dad I never had and now I don't. I may have been a little over expressive with my feelings...I'm a human being. I believe you can hurt and lean on God at the same time. You can hurt and forgive at the same time. (Which I have forgiven) I realize maybe I shouldn't have hurt as much as I did after losing a dad again. He is just a dad. After all, it's not the end of the world, right? I will get over this whole ordeal with the Lord's help once again. God is good...always. I don't like what happened. But, it's not about me anyway.... Moving on.... My husband is out hunting today. He didn't see anything this morning while he was out. He's hoping that will change this afternoon. We took Hunter to camera club last night...

I have hurt more in the last few days than I have in a while. It's a hurt that I can't understand, but I have no choice but to accept. It is hard to understand how being loved as a daughter in a Godly way that has brought tremendous joy to my life can be taken away so fast it would make your head spin. One minute, ok. The next, disaster. It just sent me reeling. But, if what I feel God has put into motion has caused upset, then by no means do I want to be party to someone else's upset. I don't want to cause strife. I will sacrifice the love I can show to my dad so someone else can be happy. I still believe in my heart that God has orchestrated this relationship to bring back the years the locust have eaten from me not having a dad and for so many other reasons. I have found in him what I didn't have in my dads. Love and a father/daughter bond. If God so chooses this to change and become whole again, then it will. Otherwise, He has only given it for a ti...

I woke up this morning with my stomach in knots. Well, it's been in knots really ever since Sunday. I'm trying really hard to keep it calm. My heart just aches so much. I don't wish this sort of pain on anyone. It's just hard for me to understand that someone can allow unnecessary insecurities to devastate other's lives. I feel like my heart has been ripped from my body. My heart aches to be able to talk to my dad and hug him. I'm praying that her heart will see the truth and not the lies satan has deceived her with. I pray she will grow spiritually through this and come to know that him being a dad to us is ok. It's Godly. It's purposeful. It's love. Please continue to pray that my heart won't ache so much and that I can have peace in my heart. Yesterday was good and I had most of the day with peace and comfort. I know this can be worked out if hearts are open. Hoping that someday soon I'll be able to talk to and hug my dad a...