Deliverance....
This post may be a bit long...thank you in advance for reading. :)
For years I struggled with awful feelings of unworthiness, frustration, anger, bitterness, etc. It was an incredible bondage. I wanted to share part of a letter with you that I wrote to my husband in 2005. It gives you a peek at where I was then. I will share with you at the end where I am now...
"For years now I have been battling with myself. Even after being saved, I just didn't feel clost to God. I never really felt like I recieved the Holy Spirit. I never felt like a "new creation." I struggle with my emotions, my mind, and feeling tormented on a daily basis. Seeing you and Hunter needing me to be who God created me to be has sparked something in me. Today, I begged God to save me from my personal hell. To pull me up out of the darkness and into His light. I prayed for half and hour. I prayed for a sound mind and a joyous heart. I have let satan rob me of my joy all these years. I just haven't had the strength to take it back. God has done so many miracles in my life that I felt bad asking for one more. I prayed for a miracle in that the generations of my family would not follow me. I want to be a new creation in Christ. I have caused this family to become unhealthy, unhappy, and miserable. This day, Novemeber 24, 2005, I asked God to save me from myself and to change me. To give me a chance for a happy life and a wonderful marraige. It was very difficult because He revealed to me all the horrible things I have done over the years. I have suffocated this family and it has become stagnant. I have wanted it all to be about me. I didn't think so, but I did. To my shame, you have done as much as you can with what you are working with. You are a wonderful husband and father. God can make our marriage so beautiful, better than anything I have ever experienced. I love you so much. I have not let you bloom into the man you are meant to be because of my selfish actions, hateful words, and horrible attitude. Hunter needs to see the mother God has intended me to be, loving, caring, soft, sweet, happy, loving you...everything I have not been. I am opening up my soul to let the Holy Spirit finally work in my life. Only He can change my family tree. May I be a new branch with beautiful blossoms."
The bondage I was in was rough. I remember praying, crying, and begging God every night in desperate yearning to be set free from myself. I was so angry and would yell just to make our son cry. It was awful because I really didn't want to do that, but yet I did. I couldn't understand why I wasn't changing if I was a new creation...
After I wrote this letter, God really became alive to me. He answered my begging prayers and released me from that bondage. He worked a mighty work in me that was so ingrained only He could be the one to get full credit for my deliverance. I praise God everyday that He has changed my heart. I am a new branch. :) I am now a loving, soft, sweet, caring, kind wife and mother. I honestly thought I would never win that battle. But, God is a warrior and He came and fought for me! Praise! I don't know why He took as long as He did...maybe so that there was no mistake that it was HIM that delivered me. Believe me...there is no mistake. I know it was our Savior that pulled me out of the darkness and into His light. I will serve Him all the days of my life by living a life that is pleasing to Him. Thank you, Lord, for loving me enough to hear my cries and desperate pleas in the night....
For years I struggled with awful feelings of unworthiness, frustration, anger, bitterness, etc. It was an incredible bondage. I wanted to share part of a letter with you that I wrote to my husband in 2005. It gives you a peek at where I was then. I will share with you at the end where I am now...
"For years now I have been battling with myself. Even after being saved, I just didn't feel clost to God. I never really felt like I recieved the Holy Spirit. I never felt like a "new creation." I struggle with my emotions, my mind, and feeling tormented on a daily basis. Seeing you and Hunter needing me to be who God created me to be has sparked something in me. Today, I begged God to save me from my personal hell. To pull me up out of the darkness and into His light. I prayed for half and hour. I prayed for a sound mind and a joyous heart. I have let satan rob me of my joy all these years. I just haven't had the strength to take it back. God has done so many miracles in my life that I felt bad asking for one more. I prayed for a miracle in that the generations of my family would not follow me. I want to be a new creation in Christ. I have caused this family to become unhealthy, unhappy, and miserable. This day, Novemeber 24, 2005, I asked God to save me from myself and to change me. To give me a chance for a happy life and a wonderful marraige. It was very difficult because He revealed to me all the horrible things I have done over the years. I have suffocated this family and it has become stagnant. I have wanted it all to be about me. I didn't think so, but I did. To my shame, you have done as much as you can with what you are working with. You are a wonderful husband and father. God can make our marriage so beautiful, better than anything I have ever experienced. I love you so much. I have not let you bloom into the man you are meant to be because of my selfish actions, hateful words, and horrible attitude. Hunter needs to see the mother God has intended me to be, loving, caring, soft, sweet, happy, loving you...everything I have not been. I am opening up my soul to let the Holy Spirit finally work in my life. Only He can change my family tree. May I be a new branch with beautiful blossoms."
The bondage I was in was rough. I remember praying, crying, and begging God every night in desperate yearning to be set free from myself. I was so angry and would yell just to make our son cry. It was awful because I really didn't want to do that, but yet I did. I couldn't understand why I wasn't changing if I was a new creation...
After I wrote this letter, God really became alive to me. He answered my begging prayers and released me from that bondage. He worked a mighty work in me that was so ingrained only He could be the one to get full credit for my deliverance. I praise God everyday that He has changed my heart. I am a new branch. :) I am now a loving, soft, sweet, caring, kind wife and mother. I honestly thought I would never win that battle. But, God is a warrior and He came and fought for me! Praise! I don't know why He took as long as He did...maybe so that there was no mistake that it was HIM that delivered me. Believe me...there is no mistake. I know it was our Savior that pulled me out of the darkness and into His light. I will serve Him all the days of my life by living a life that is pleasing to Him. Thank you, Lord, for loving me enough to hear my cries and desperate pleas in the night....
Comments
Post a Comment